Habit

Habit is a funny word, isn't it? The first definition that pops into my head is actually the nun's habit. When I was little and we used to take walks in the seminary down the street, sometimes we'd see nuns walking around and my dad would always say "hello, sister" very politely, like he was a kid in Catholic school. Their habits, all black with white around the face and neck and a cross hanging down, made them look otherworldly and untouchable.

Supposedly it takes six weeks to change a habit (not a nun's habit- I'm sure you could change that in five minutes). I'm always frustrated with myself when I try to change something. I feel like I make it a few days, then slip. Then maybe I have a couple more good days before I slip again. This hasn't always been the case (I became a vegetarian successfully almost three years ago), but I struggle with making and breaking habits all over the place in my life.

I know it's because I over-think things. I'll be intending to practice, but won't be sure that I want to apply to DMA programs, so I'll put it off... and in my uncertainty, I don't get anything done. I wish most of the time that I could just turn off my brain and live, maybe, in a state of perpetual hangover. If I didn't ask "why?" all the time, maybe I'd just do things, go for things, stop selling myself short. Maybe then I could get through more than a few days and actually make a habit.

Maybe, though, it's just a different way of looking at it. If I were a nun, I wouldn't think "I have to wear this stupid piece of clothing again?! Why? Do I even believe in everything this stands for?" Rather, I'd want to think "This habit elevates me as a person. It removes me from a lot of harmful things and brings me closer to the divinity that I'm seeking. Even if it's the same old thing I put on every day, of course I want to wear it."

Mahamrityunjaya Mantra

This mantra is addressed to the trinity of Hinduism, composed of Brahma (the creator), Vishnu (the preserver) and Shiva (the destroyer). The mantra comes from the Rigveda, a collection of scriptures about 4000 or so years old. I'm a latecomer to the scene as I learned it yesterday.

Om tryambakaṃ yajāmahe sugandhiṃ puṣṭi-vardhanam

urvārukam iva bandhanān mṛtyor mukṣīya māmṛtāt

Some interesting translations (note to self: learn Sansrit):

We meditate on the Three-eyed reality which nourishes and increases the sweet fullness of life. Like a cucumber from its stem may we be separated ("liberated"), not from immortality but from death.

We Meditate on the Three-eyed reality

Which permeates and nourishes all like a fragrance.

May we be liberated from death for the sake of immortality,

Even as the cucumber is severed from bondage to the creeper.

We worship the Three-eyed One who is fragrant, immensely merciful and who is the Protector of the devotees. May he liberate us from death for the sake of immortality, Even as the cucumber is severed from bondage to the creeper.

Moving On Up

When I started teacher training, we wrote a list of goals and put them into an envelope. We get them back when we graduate. I love that idea- it's like a time capsule of goals and emotions. I don't remember too much of what I wrote on my card, but I know I was really unhappy when I wrote it. I was in the midst of my blah job and really wishing I was back where I feel like I belong- in school or in a teaching situation. Or out of Boston. You know, whatever.

I know some things have changed. I may not be one hundred percent out of my rut, but I know I'm making progress. Some of the more expensive progress came in the form of the $160 charge on my card for the GRE.

Sherman used to say that he only advised students to go into music if they didn't have a choice. That is, if they absolutely couldn't see any road ahead of them except for music, if music was their only option aside from desperate unhappiness, then music was a good idea.

I haven't been the most driven person in the last few years, and I know that. I haven't even come close to what I feel I could potentially do. It's hard to be in your twenties and getting ready to enter a PhD or DMA program (hopefully!), without any promise that you'll have a job when you exit. I don't think this was the case forty (or even twenty) years ago. But I want to do what I want to do, and I can't see myself doing anything else with or in my life.

So this time, I'm ready.

I feel like I've been failing at yoga lately. Things have been hectic with the move and the upcoming trip to Denver (which we knew was right around the corner, but we're leaving tomorrow...), and when the classes don't fit my schedule, I haven't been practicing on my own. It makes everything sort of worthless when you practice intensely, but only a couple of days a week.

I wonder how much more I could get out of yoga (or... you know... life) if I put more in?

Sunday, Yoga Sunday

Sunday I went to the 8:30 AM teacher-trainee yoga class. Basically, whoever shows up from our class gets a chance to teach and participate, and we usually go around in a circle and teach a few poses. It's fun, but early... luckily, my body's pretty happy about getting up at 6:30 lately (except for this morning), so I have a couple of hours to veg and drink my tea. There were only two of us there, but it was great.

Then I stayed for my teacher's 10:00 class. Since they've opened another studio in Burlington, their time has been split, so her classes at the Cambridge studio are usually pretty packed. It was a great class- very relaxing. The hubby came with me, and had some mat slippage issues. It's either time to start storing the mat towel with his yoga man, or time for me to sell his mat on Craigslist and get him a Jade mat.

Then I had a couple of hours to kill, so we came home, made lunch, and I scarfed it down and went back to the studio for teacher training. This week we started our section on Kundalini yoga, and I'm not gonna lie- I was hoping it was just going to be lecture. And I lucked out for about an hour; we learned about the chakras, through which the kundalini energy is supposed to rise, and we talked about different poses or series of poses to help align everything. Then we did about an hour of Kundalini. And let me tell you, Kundalini is not kidding around. I felt like the room was buzzing with energy by the time we finished.

Then I was finally done with yoga! But I had to stay and observe a class at 5:00. So I went next door to this awesome Asian cafe and got some iced coffee, then went and watched people do yoga in the hot studio for an hour and a half. Have I mentioned the heat wave? The studio is not air conditioned, so it was about 95, give or take, all day.

And after that, I had the greatest sleep ever.

Strengthening the Spirit (and the abs)

I decided that while my sort-of lackadaisical hatha practice was doing wonders for my spirit, it wasn't as awesome for my body. Plus, the studio is a sort-of wasteful ten-minute drive or twenty-five minute walk away, and it's just that distance where I feel like a scumbag for not going to more classes, but it seems SO far. Add to the mix that we've been encouraged to try out different studios in the area to more fully form our own style of teaching. So I decided to try a new member special at Samara Yoga, a studio about five minutes away in Davis Square. I love the walk down there- it's full of tree-lined streets and pretty houses. Plus, the classes at Samara are vinyasa flow classes, which I've been really missing since I left Michigan (vinyasa was my first introduction to yoga, and I think I'll always have a soft spot for the mind-clearing flowiness of it).

The first class started with so much ab work that my entire front half was cramping up by the time the teacher finally let us collapse to the ground. The next day (yesterday), I could feel my abs probably better than I've been able to in years. Today they just hurt! The class yesterday was a lunch-hour flow class, and the instructor played music all the way through. At my usual studio, the only music is usually just a never-ending om in the background... but this music was like Thom Yorke and Coldplay and all my favorites. She actually used Sigur Ros for savasana, and I was in heaven.

It made me think a lot about the use of music in yoga, and how it can strengthen or detract from a practice. When I first joined my studio in East Lansing, I found the use of pop music really distracting from my focus, but I guess I got more used to it as time went on. I remember one really fantastic class that we had right after MJ died- we were doing sun salutations to "Smooth Criminal" and it was awesome. I think it takes a special touch to make a playlist that inspires the students with every track, however... I'm not sure this is a touch that I possess yet, but the instructor yesterday definitely had it. She didn't have to adjust the music or look for a new track at all.

That having been said, my first instinct is to stick to "authentically" Indian music- Ravi Shankar, Jagjit Singh, and so forth... but the context in which I teach (with what I'm assuming will be young, American-born students for the most part) might beg music with which they're familiar once in a while. Music from outside their sphere might serve to increase the mysticism of the practice, but I wonder if it would also alienate the student when I want them to feel at home. I feel like the stakes are high: for me at least, the right music can elevate me onto a new plane where I feel more inspired and more clear-minded. The wrong music can distract me and actually physically disrupt my balance. Really. I've fallen out of balance poses before because of the music. I want the music to strengthen the spirit of the class, and maybe the abs too.

I'm sure that, like everything else, the answer will be in some sort of balance between the two. But it's still something I have to do some thinking about.

Doing Stuff

I think my problem is that I think too much and don't do enough.

I'm ready to change. Let's get this party started.

Yesterday I did headstands. I still have to use a door for now, but it's getting easier with practice (like most things, right?).