(This is a long and confusing post with too many ideas. I'm sorry.)
I have a lot of stuff I want to write about, but I haven't been able to pick a topic for a few days. I didn't particularly want to write the "Eleventy Things I'm Thankful For" until sometime later, after the holidays are over (although I have many, many things to be thankful for and I'm sure it will be a massive read, so make sure you grab a cup of coffee and probably a snack, just sayin'). Beside that, all that's been on my mind other than living and stuff are issues that could probably be deemed inflammatory, either positively or negatively (depending on your beliefs/political views). And I didn't know if I wanted to do that, because I didn't really want to put myself out there like that, all saying what I actually think and stuff.
And since I have a tendency to miss the obvious points in my life, it took me three days to realize that really what I should write about is my thoughts on... my thoughts. How I got there, why I think that, and how come I feel so uncomfortable saying so.
Speaking my mind has been a life-long battle for me for a couple of reasons. The first is just that I try to be nice, and I guess my definition of nice has never included running others over with my opinion. The second is that I genuinely believe that everybody has something to say and a right to say it. If I don't listen to the opinions of others, why should I expect them to listen to me?
I'm re-reading that paragraph. It makes sense, and I still agree with it.
The problem might just be that in the last several years, I've gotten "listen to others" confused with "don't say anything back," "hide my own opinion," and "as a result, carry around sub-surface, deep-seated doubts about the things that I believe the most." This might explain why I shrug apologetically when people ask me if I'm a vegetarian, and other similar scenarios. But the fact remains that I'm in my mid-twenties, and who I am is starting to solidify thusly: I'm a borderline-hippie vegetarian yoga practitioner who is very concerned about environmental impact, arts education, and feminism/the status of women today and in the future. Phew. Even writing that makes me uncomfortable.
I don't want to shout my opinions. I've never felt at ease around people whose voices were so loud that they overshadowed their actions. Even peaceful and respectful dialogue can end really poorly, especially if you are trying to dialogue with people who aren't so peaceful and respectful. That can be much worse than just keeping one's mouth shut, in my experience.
But I'm an adult, or at least I pretend to be. And that means that I need to stand up for myself and learn to do difficult things like advertise my own business prowess and flute playing, and basically figure out how to convince people that I can do all the things I know I can do. And I thought a good place to start would be a blog. I'm not shoving it in anybody's face, and nobody has to read it. Everybody can start conversations in the comments section, and they don't have to stare at my face while I say stuff they may not want to hear. But I can practice saying the things that are true for me without constant second-guessing, hence my political/personal posts.
So that's that. I wonder if other people have these thoughts?
I have a lot of stuff I want to write about, but I haven't been able to pick a topic for a few days. I didn't particularly want to write the "Eleventy Things I'm Thankful For" until sometime later, after the holidays are over (although I have many, many things to be thankful for and I'm sure it will be a massive read, so make sure you grab a cup of coffee and probably a snack, just sayin'). Beside that, all that's been on my mind other than living and stuff are issues that could probably be deemed inflammatory, either positively or negatively (depending on your beliefs/political views). And I didn't know if I wanted to do that, because I didn't really want to put myself out there like that, all saying what I actually think and stuff.
And since I have a tendency to miss the obvious points in my life, it took me three days to realize that really what I should write about is my thoughts on... my thoughts. How I got there, why I think that, and how come I feel so uncomfortable saying so.
Speaking my mind has been a life-long battle for me for a couple of reasons. The first is just that I try to be nice, and I guess my definition of nice has never included running others over with my opinion. The second is that I genuinely believe that everybody has something to say and a right to say it. If I don't listen to the opinions of others, why should I expect them to listen to me?
I'm re-reading that paragraph. It makes sense, and I still agree with it.
The problem might just be that in the last several years, I've gotten "listen to others" confused with "don't say anything back," "hide my own opinion," and "as a result, carry around sub-surface, deep-seated doubts about the things that I believe the most." This might explain why I shrug apologetically when people ask me if I'm a vegetarian, and other similar scenarios. But the fact remains that I'm in my mid-twenties, and who I am is starting to solidify thusly: I'm a borderline-hippie vegetarian yoga practitioner who is very concerned about environmental impact, arts education, and feminism/the status of women today and in the future. Phew. Even writing that makes me uncomfortable.
I don't want to shout my opinions. I've never felt at ease around people whose voices were so loud that they overshadowed their actions. Even peaceful and respectful dialogue can end really poorly, especially if you are trying to dialogue with people who aren't so peaceful and respectful. That can be much worse than just keeping one's mouth shut, in my experience.
But I'm an adult, or at least I pretend to be. And that means that I need to stand up for myself and learn to do difficult things like advertise my own business prowess and flute playing, and basically figure out how to convince people that I can do all the things I know I can do. And I thought a good place to start would be a blog. I'm not shoving it in anybody's face, and nobody has to read it. Everybody can start conversations in the comments section, and they don't have to stare at my face while I say stuff they may not want to hear. But I can practice saying the things that are true for me without constant second-guessing, hence my political/personal posts.
So that's that. I wonder if other people have these thoughts?
You are not the only one! Maybe it's a Rowley trait? I don't feel comfortable stating my opinions too loudly or when others are aggressive with theirs. But noticing things that need to be improved on with environment, fine/performing art education, women's status in the work world have come more and more to my attention as I'm entering the work world and finding myself faced with some of these issues personally - it's amazing {and discouraging}!
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