Two Steps Forward, Two Steps Back

So I've had a minor setback this week... I'm usually not too much of a hypochondriac, and I have a good doctor which helps. However, this week I started to get a couple of numb spots on my feet, on the insides of my big toes and the back of one heel. I'm okay with a lot of things, but numb spots are not cool. So on my day off from work, I went in to my doctor's office to ask the NP about them. They thought it was most likely a lower back injury (surprise surprise), and told me to heat it and take a (mild) ibuprofin regimen to help with any inflammation.

Lower back trouble? Now I know I'm old.

In any case, I haven't been to yoga at all this week. I've been trying to keep up with meditation, but this week has been so crazy (mostly with work stuff, culminating in my giving my two weeks' notice on Tuesday) that I've been mostly terrible about everything. Luckily, tomorrow is another day of teacher training, so I'm going to do my best to not do anything else to the ol' lumbar region while we discuss the shoulder girdle.

Yoga Therapy

I have a few things to write about, not least because I didn't post anything after my last practice. The class (on Friday) was a lot more strenuous than the ones I've been attending, but it was so good. At the end, my body was tired so my mind was quiet, and I really liked it. Tom put us into a shoulder stand and then into plow, which finally (!) released my lower back. It was so exciting to finish class and not have my back bugging me anymore.

Today in TT, we learned about the pelvis. And, I guess more importantly, we learned what bones do and don't do, and how it's vastly different for everyone. One person may be able to completely straighten their elbow, one might be able to bend it backward (at more than a 180-degree angle), and another might not be able to get it straight at all, and it's nothing they can change! How mind-blowing is that? I mean, I'm usually pretty accepting of what other people's bodies can do, but it's my own that gives me problems. I notice this especially in triangle pose- my pelvis only rotates so far! I've been thinking for years "oh, if I just did more yoga, I wouldn't suck as much," but alas: it's my bone structure. Wild. Also, good to know for teaching.

After kichiri for lunch, we sat down and talked about twenty-seven questions that ranged from "what time did you get up this morning?" to "what is an evil habit that you are trying to break?" to "what terrible event have you been carrying around with you for years?" I feel like answering those questions as a group really brought us close together, and maybe made us feel like we're not so alone as individuals. I was shocked when one of the other teacher trainees described exactly the way that I've been beating myself up because I don't feel like I'm "doing" what I'm supposed to be "doing." I'm trying to let go of things like anger and a short temper.

Then I went to work for six hours and out for nachos with the hubby. The nachos part was awesome, although I'm back to my sort of beginner-ayurvedic diet tomorrow!

Pain In The Back

Yoga last night for me was all about looking forward (to the forward bends)! I think I stayed in a backbend too long the day before... then, to complicate things, I bought a mortar and pestle made of marble yesterday, and then carried it around with me for a few hours in a messenger bag. The thing probably weighed twelve pounds, and with everything else I had in my bag it really twisted my back and I felt like my spine was compressed in the lumbar region. I don't know how I did it in college, carrying around all the music I had with me all the time. My back must have been messed up.

I talked to the woman on the mat next to me, and said that I was in teacher training. I don't quite know how to represent myself in that regard... just because I'm in teacher training doesn't mean at all that I know everything about yoga. I feel like every class is a new idea or a new pose. The teacher actually had to correct me last night because I was doing a completely wrong pose. At the same time, I don't want to be a bad example so I'm trying really hard to do everything right. Which is a joke. "Right" is for music, not for yoga... at least not this kind of yoga.

White Light

I've been struggling a lot with my beliefs versus yoga. The problem is that I don't think I need to be struggling... yoga is such an open system of ideas, and most of it is devoid of this concept of a larger, external deity. I consider myself to be a believer in the connection between people, and a believer in signs as far as using them to keep my eyes open (and maybe not completely believing, if that makes sense). So, what I'm trying to say is that when I meditate and see something, I take it with a grain of salt because I'm aware that it's something that is going on in my brain and can probably be explained outside of the world of spirituality.

However, it is comforting to have things pop up every once in a while. A few weeks ago in a women only class, we were doing some pretty deep meditation. As we went over each part of the body, I felt/saw a hand soothing those areas. This was particularly awesome when we got to feet (I love a good foot rub). The hand was orange and warm, and it was so comforting to have this idea sort of wrap me up and relax all my muscles. After class, our teacher said that if we felt something, it was our spirit. I love the idea of that, and ever since then I've been trying to stock my life with orange things to reflect the color of this hand, my spirit.

So tonight a similar thing happened, except it was more of a revelation. I have a lot of trouble living in the moment, and I usually feel the future bogged down with mistakes and baggage from the past, in such a way that it's sometimes hard for me to move on my own. Tonight I stumbled into a clear sense of the past (which seemed irrelevant), and the future. The sense of the future that I had was a big white room, so large that it had limitless possibilities, dome-shaped, bright. There were no mistakes, no obstacles, no anything. It was like anything I wanted to do with it, colors, furniture, ideas... it was all possible because it was a three-dimensional blank canvas.

I know that sounds kind of out there (and it sounds that way to me too)... but it was such a relief. Seeing the future that way is something that hasn't happened for a long time, and it was like fresh air into lungs. Now if I can just repeat that idea in my head for another few weeks, maybe it'll really get internalized.

Bending Backward

I started yoga teacher training a week ago, and in that time I've started to realize how much I carry with me. All the stress from years of playing an instrument as a college and graduate student is stored in my body- and not just the physical stress of playing, but the mental stress of having to be perfect all the time. I felt like it was stored in my shoulders and hips and middle back, but yesterday I felt like it was in my spine.

We were working on bending backward without compressing the lower back, and it was very hard for me (and frustrating!). My lower back wanted to cave in, but my upper back refused to bend. Making sure my knees weren't locked helped, but I still had to fold forward every few minutes to undo the compression in my lower back.

I don't want this experience to just be about the physical body, which is why I'm so glad I found the teacher and studio that I did. Mentally, I'm frustrated at my frustration with backbends (if that makes sense). I tried not to let it show in class too much, but inside I was so upset about my body's seeming inability to bend that way. My first thought was that I'll just avoid that pose in my own practice, but I know that's not the right answer... I guess this will be a good exercise (no pun intended) in learning a new skill without letting myself get crazy about it!