White Light

I've been struggling a lot with my beliefs versus yoga. The problem is that I don't think I need to be struggling... yoga is such an open system of ideas, and most of it is devoid of this concept of a larger, external deity. I consider myself to be a believer in the connection between people, and a believer in signs as far as using them to keep my eyes open (and maybe not completely believing, if that makes sense). So, what I'm trying to say is that when I meditate and see something, I take it with a grain of salt because I'm aware that it's something that is going on in my brain and can probably be explained outside of the world of spirituality.

However, it is comforting to have things pop up every once in a while. A few weeks ago in a women only class, we were doing some pretty deep meditation. As we went over each part of the body, I felt/saw a hand soothing those areas. This was particularly awesome when we got to feet (I love a good foot rub). The hand was orange and warm, and it was so comforting to have this idea sort of wrap me up and relax all my muscles. After class, our teacher said that if we felt something, it was our spirit. I love the idea of that, and ever since then I've been trying to stock my life with orange things to reflect the color of this hand, my spirit.

So tonight a similar thing happened, except it was more of a revelation. I have a lot of trouble living in the moment, and I usually feel the future bogged down with mistakes and baggage from the past, in such a way that it's sometimes hard for me to move on my own. Tonight I stumbled into a clear sense of the past (which seemed irrelevant), and the future. The sense of the future that I had was a big white room, so large that it had limitless possibilities, dome-shaped, bright. There were no mistakes, no obstacles, no anything. It was like anything I wanted to do with it, colors, furniture, ideas... it was all possible because it was a three-dimensional blank canvas.

I know that sounds kind of out there (and it sounds that way to me too)... but it was such a relief. Seeing the future that way is something that hasn't happened for a long time, and it was like fresh air into lungs. Now if I can just repeat that idea in my head for another few weeks, maybe it'll really get internalized.