The Stuff I Should Do

I've been thinking a lot lately, and that's the trick of a blog, isn't it?  Getting your thoughts out.  It's so hard!  Because that thought is there, and then another thought that comes along and is like "naaaah.  Nobody will be able to relate to that first one."  So then you forget, or repress, or whatever happens.  And that's dumb, because if every great author had thought that nobody would be able to relate to the crazy stuff they were writing, we'd have nothing in the way of literature.  Even so, blogging about what's actually in your head is definitely an exercise in confidence.

Anyway, I've been thinking about why it's so hard to do the stuff that we know is good for us.  Not the stuff we HAVE to do; like I've heard myself saying to young children, "it's not a choice we can make."  I'm talking about the stuff we don't have to do but should do.  For me, the top three are as follows:

1.  Practicing the flute.
2.  Not eating crap.
3.  Getting on my mat.

First things first.  If these things are hard to do, I must not like doing them, right?  Right?

Praaaaaaactice meeeeeee.

Oddly, no... I thought maybe that was the case for a while, but if I only like the easy stuff in life, that means that all I like is drooling onto the futon while I check my facebook over and over to see if anybody I knew in high school has just gotten pregnant.  I like doing all of the above-listed things.  I feel good while I'm doing them.  I feel good after I've done them.  So that's not it.

I have a difficult relationship with 1 and 3, both because I get very self-destructive when I'm doing them and they are not perfect.  Now, I'm not often perfect, but I realllllly like when I am.  I like when I do things right the first time and never have to work at them.  I like being a "natural."  If I ever had any natural talent on the flute, the expiration date was up a long time ago, and probably about ten years ago I started having to work at it.  So I work at it, and that makes me self-conscious, and that makes me mentally very harsh with myself.  Same with yoga.  I want my body to do stuff automatically, without me putting in the hours to learn the balance, or build the muscle, or stretch the joint.  When I find that I actually suck at a pose, it's really difficult for me to get back on the mat and try it again.  None of this is much of a surprise to me, unfortunately; my nickname growing up was "Perfectly Margaret" because of my obvious superiority disruptive perfectionist tendencies.

So do I not wanna do this stuff because I'm lazy?

Short answer: yes.  Long answer: yes.  I am absent from my home from 8AM until 6PM.  I often come home tired, with aching feet or back or both.  I eat lunch at 1:30, which is not the best for my bio-rhythm, and as a result, often don't eat dinner until an hour or two before bed.  I also teach yoga and flute after hours, and play in a gamelan with a three-to-five-hour practice requirement per week.  I've also been sick so many times this year that one runny nose has blended into the stomach bug and cough that came after it, so I can't tell where one ended and the next one started.  So... I might be lazy.  I might also be overbooked.

I also wonder about self-sabotage.  Eating right is a constant issue for me.  I LOVE vegetables, don't eat meat, and am reasonably okay at getting all my required nutrients, but I have this sweet tooth that will not quit.  And then sometimes the sweet tooth does quit, but I eat sweet stuff anyway, just to be like HA!  Take that, BODY.  You thought you were doing so well, well enjoy your INSULIN SPIKE!

So what's the answer?  How do we start loving the things we should do?  I don't know, but I have some ideas.

1.  Boundaries.  Kids need them and I'm convinced that I do too.  No cookies before 8AM.  Stop it.
2.  Time for rest and time for not rest.  I'm convinced that not feeling guilty while resting is the key to making it productive, so I can move on when it's time.
3.  I heard this in my lesson last week: Nike.  Just do it.